When I came out of the closet in the mid-1990s in my early twenties, the first thing my mother wanted to know was, “What about children?” At the time, the idea of a gay man becoming a parent seemed like a distant dream. My mom’s question was particularly painful because I had worked with children from a young age and developed a strong bond with them. I responded with uncertainty, something like, “I’ll find a way.” At the time, I was navigating through a confusing decade, completing my studies, experiencing my first relationship, and building my career. Who had the time or energy to think about having kids?
Everything changed when I turned 30. My partner and I separated. For the first time, I found myself noticing men with children around me, and my desire to be a father grew stronger. So I started checking out my options.
I knew I didn’t want to be a single parent. Surrogacy was a possibility, but financially unrealistic for me without a partner. I also wasn’t confident about tying parenthood to a romantic relationship. From what I saw around me, combining a romantic relationship with children was not necessarily a winning formula. Not every potential partner was also cut out to be a father, and vice versa. Finding someone who fit the bill as both a romantic partner and a father figure seemed nearly impossible. On top of that, I’d need to find someone who was absolutely ready and willing to have children now. And I had no intention of putting my desire to be a father on hold while I searched for a partner.
In 2005, I submitted a message to the (now long-gone) website, My Child. I put all my cards on the table. I wrote that I was seeking a co-parent. I expressed that, as a high school teacher, I wasn’t wealthy, but I was committed to dedicating plenty of time and energy to raising a child. My hope was to find someone genuinely interested in being an active and equal parent. An egalitarian approach was essential for me. I believe that parenting is not defined by gender roles, rather by what you bring into it. Many people cautioned me, “Moms and dads are not the same, you’ll see when you get there”, but it didn’t happen that way for me.
Thus, my search for a co-parent began. I started going out on “dates” to find the right partner. Along the way, I met individuals who helped me refine what I was looking for — and what I definitely wanted to avoid. For example, I met a woman who was still deep in the closet and wanted us to pretend to be a “normal” couple. As far as I was concerned, this was not an option.
The third woman I met was Tal. She was 38-39 and felt like her biological clock was ticking. She lost her father at the age of ten, so it was important for her to find a co-parent that would be hands-on, active, and involved. She had a feminist approach to parenting and did not want motherhood to define her identity. She also did not want to serve as the dominant figure in raising our child. We got to know each other and met our friends and families. We went diving together, saw a counselor, and drafted a co-parenting agreement. For us, this represented more than a legal contract, it was a testament to our concept of parenthood and a statement of our intentions. If every couple preparing to be parents did the same, I believe it would prevent a lot of heartache and disappointment. We got to design our parenting, first imagined and then real, according to our beliefs and values, as opposed to following a rigid model dictated from the outside.
Over sixteen years have passed since then. We are both very satisfied with how our co-parenting journey has unfolded, with the relationship between us, and with our child, a boy who is by now a young man. From a young age we instilled in him that our unconventional family structure was nothing out of the ordinary, and it has not come up as an issue for him. Tal, unlike me, would have been happy to have a child within a traditional, romantic relationship, but she views co-parenting as a good thing in her life, and more suitable for her than single parenthood.
When people ask me to reveal the key to successful co-parenting, my first response is that, like with any relationship, nothing is foolproof. But I do have some advice to share with those setting out on a similar journey. When you and a co-parent decide to have a child together, you’re not just formulating an agreement between two people; you are creating a family. Admittedly, a family that might not fit the typical mold in which many of us grew up, but a family nonetheless. I strongly recommend taking the time to understand and getting to know the individuals in your partner’s life, their family and friends, because they will play a major role in your child’s life.
